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The Protocols of the Elders of Hollyweird

January 24th 2006

The Protocols of the Elders of Hollyweird

Milhous Nixon

(Written, directed, produced, authorized, authenticated, evaluated, comprised, inspected and denied by maxflackreport)

Less than a week after the election of George W. Bush in 2000 AD, the Elders of Hollyweird met at an undisclosed location to discuss what they considered to be a political catastrophe. They had met before—when Ronnie Reagan was elected and when the notorious Mr. Milhous had seized the Presidency in 1968. Those had been stirring times—calling for extreme measures—but now the cause of humanity was in jeopardy as never before. Capitalism was running amok; the religious right was threatening to tear down the wall between Jerry Falwell and the people’s government; the neocons were acting so much like liberals that Nancy Pelosi and Howard Dean were looking and sounding more like George Wallace standing in the door of the schoolhouse than FDR; and the Iraq War was stripping them of what little was left of their progressive pretensions. Something had to be done.
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So they met in the back lot of one of Roger Corman's old sets—Droid Gunner or Marquis de Sade; or it could have been in John D. Barrymore's mausoleum. One undisclosed location is as good as another. A cemetery would have been the ideal spot—that’s where Elders are supposed to meet, but Susan Sarandon is afraid of ghosts. They cursed Elia Kazan and the House Committee on Un-American Activities and they praised Lionel Stander, the American Communist Party and the Screen Writers Guild and then got down to business.

“We got to get rid of Eliot Ness,” said Woody Harrelson. Okay—these are not the smartest people in the world but they do have a sense of film history.

A motion was made to renew their vows, 1 to bring down capitalism, 2 to bring down the American Imperium, 3 to bring down Herbert Hoover—

“Who’s Hoover?” asked Woody Harrelson. Someone suggested they change number 3 to George W. Bush. This was duly seconded and recorded.

Then came number 4: to make the world safe for gays, lesbians, transsexuals, transvestites, sadomasochists, pornographers, and black guys who kill white cops; number 5: to support minorities until they become the majority; number 6: to end religious bigotry by ending religion (John Travolta dissented); and number 7: to work for a one-world government under the United Nations. It was understood that Hollyweird would be the final arbiter of all social behavior as God had intended. (John Wayne, Ronnie Reagan and Charlton Heston never belonged to the Elders. One may assume that few of the current Elders will be buried wrapped in an American flag) Edward Asner reported on the whereabouts of his mia compadre, the George Washington of Nicaragua, and Martin Sheen was given a lifetime award for the 63 times he has been arrested as an agent provacateur. The Elders then adjourned and went their separate ways. They have been busy ever since.

Sean Penn has been to Iraq. Unfortunately, he had to share the spotlight with US Congressmen James McDermott (D-WA) and David Bonnier (D-MI). It was humiliating. Saddam Hussein had never heard of him—thought he was Buster Crabbe—wanted him fumigated.


Martin Sheen spent a lot of time disparaging the new President. “George W. Bush is like a bad comic working the crowd,” he said, “a moron, if you’ll pardon the expression.” George W. Bush flew F-102 jet interceptors. Martin Sheen flunked his college entrance exam—deliberately, he says, so he could become an actor.  Sheen couldn’t tell an F-102 from Snoopy’s doghouse or a Sandinistas from a Contra without Daniel Ortega scorecard. Sheen is not a moron, but if one will pardon the expression, he doesn’t avoid the appearance of being one.

Harry Belafonte went all the way to Venezuela to call George W “the greatest terrorist in the world.” Maybe he thought he was in Venice. Hugo Chavez, Venezuela’s current El Presidente-for-life, welcomed Harry with open arms. Apparently there is a shortage of trained parrots in Venezuela. Harry should have taken his hate-America road show to the Mad Anthony Wayne American Legion Club in Mudslide, Alabama. They appreciate his kind of humor and he would make an excellent guest of honor for one of their live pin-the-tail-on-the donkey shows. Make sure you get on the right banana boat next time, Harry.

Sean Penn, Martin Sheen, and Harry Bellefonte are only the tip of the Hollyweird iceberg. The Elders new star rising is George Clooney. An actor, a producer, and a director, Clooney has replaced Oliver Stone as Berkeley’s most-loved Hollyweird celebrity. Clooney’s latest film masterpiece, Syriana, is a geopolitical thriller. It’s set in an unnamed Middle Eastern country. And lookie here, there’s a reform-minded Muslim Prince—almost as rare as a three-eyed Albino mule—who runs afoul of Islamo-fascist terrorists forced into their hatred of the West by the actions of greedy American oil companies!!! The Chinese are involved and the CIA is up to its neck in skullduggery, dirty tricks and mayhem—assassinations optional. And it’s all because of ‘awl.’

Yep—just like the good ole boys sitting around their cracker barrels in Hope, Arkansas had always suspected. “It’s awl about ‘awl,’ Billy Bob. It’s them durn Rockefellers and Exxon…t’weren’t for them, there wouldn’t o’ been no nine-one-one and gas would be 25 cents a gallon an’ pig-farmin’ would profitable again.” Can’t argue with that kind of logic.


Is Syriana an astute analysis or a Michael Moore pipe dream? Thomas Jefferson and John Quincy Adams had noted Islam’s hatred of the West long before John D. Rockefeller got ‘awl’ on his shoes tramping around Pennsylvania’s backcountry. George Washington had already swapped arms for the release of American seamen taken hostage by Muslim corsairs in the Mediterranean. And it wasn’t about ‘awl.’

John Foss was a seaman serving on the good ship Polly. While on its way to Cadiz with a cargo of grain and flour, the ship was seized by pirates. Foss took notes. Mahomet Salamia, captain of the pirate ship, the Babazera, told his captives to expect harsh treatment “for your history and superstition in believing in a man who was crucified by the Jews, and disregarding the true doctrine of God’s last and greatest prophet Mahomet.” No mention of ‘awl,’ just tar, pitch and resin. At the palace Dey Hassan told the poor wretches, “Now I have got you, you Christian dogs, you shall eat stones.” (A.B.C. Whipple To The Shores Of Tripoli p.36)

Like Martin Sheen, Clooney is a college dropout and also like Sheen he appears less grounded in reality than the good old boys hunkering around their cracker barrels in God’s country. Steven Spielberg has no such excuse; he’s a college graduate though it did take him 30 years from start to finish, in between he found the time to make a gazillion movies. Spielberg might be a cinematic genius but his latest imperishable masterpiece Munich has some critics scratching their heads. The film is a gripping suspense thriller set in the aftermath of the massacre of 11 Israeli Olympic athletes in 1972. The terrorists are brave family men only slightly worse than the bumbling Israeli secret agents who are trying their damnedest to hustle them on their way to Allah’s Great Whorehouse in the Sky. Politically correct terrorists are boring. Maybe a little wife-beating to interrupt the marital bliss would have helped. The Qur’an allows wife beating in certain instances. But then the work of Ayaan Hirsi Ali in this particular area seems not to have had an effect on Spielberg. (The fate of Theo van Gogh, however, might have caused a gulp or two)

Maybe Spielberg was paying some late dues to the PC crowd. Who knows? Now if Hollyweird should make a movie depicting Nathan Bedford Forrest in a positive light or George Wallace as a fun-loving, freedom-fighting family man…ah, but that would be asking too much.

The Elders hate George W. Bush and capitalism more than they fear radical Islam. So it’s business as usual. If America should lose the cultural/religious/political war being fought in the dar al-harb how many Moulin Rouges Hollyweird think the Caliphate would allow them to produce in the next hundred years?

Don’t take your socks off, Woody, it’s a trick question—the answer is none.

By Tom Madison
Freelance Writer

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