A Story of two Chicks - Natalie Maines and Connie Wisniewski

May 30th, 2006

“What do you mean, you never heard of me?”

Who…the Dixie Chicks? Never heard of them. Singers, you say? Have they been on the Grand Ole Opry? There have been a lot of Chicks and most of them weren’t singers. There were the Memphis Chicks, a bunch of guys who played baseball for Memphis in the Southern League for years and years and there were the Grand Rapids Chicks, a woman’s professional baseball team from 1943 to 1954. Oh, how those gals could play baseball! They were as bodacious and as flirtatious and as athletic as Ellie Mae Clampett dating Rock Ripdash or getting a headlock on Cousin Jethro. And they wore miniskirts! That’s right—miniskirts. To see them run the bases was a joy in itself. How about men’s baseball…Peewee Reese and Phil Rizzuto? Bah! A disgrace! The pantaloons they wore back in those days were so baggy it was a wonder they didn’t trip and fall flat on their faces every time they tried to go from first to second.

And there’s the Easter Chicks—everybody loves Easter Chicks; and the Chopper Chicks, a horrendously bad 1989 movie with Billy Bob Thornton. And who can forget the Amazonian Warrior Chicks, a Nicaraguan feminist group conjured up by the Woman’s Studies Department at Smith College. Harvard hasn’t forgotten them and neither has Yale.

But the Dixie Chicks…Who in the Hell are the Dixie Chicks? Tens of millions of Americans had never heard of them until that one Chick—what was her name; Natalie Maines—begin impersonating Michael Moore. They ought to stick to singing and leave low comedy to George Costanza and Cosmo Kramer. George and Cosmo are a lot better at it, besides being more lovable.

Jethro Bodine had never heard of the Chicks until Ms. Maines attacked the President; and the group is not listed in the National Rifle Association’s Who’s Who Guide. Ms. Maines is supposed to be from Texas, but she sounds more like a socialist from East Leningrad with a speech impediment. She was a cheerleader in Junior High and attended Berklee School of Music in Boston. Isn’t that a cute way to spell Berkeley? Must be some of that famous Boston Brahmin humor. It must have been the pretend Ivy League education that went to Natalie’s head. Berklee is a tad overrated. Jethro barely graduated from the 6^th grade at Oxford, yet he has a keener grasp on reality than Ms. Maines. (In all fairness, it must be admitted that Oxford’s political science and history departments are vastly superior to Berklee’s) But that hasn’t kept Natalie from sharing her worldview with her legions of fans. No, sir! She knows what’s going down and she knows how stupid politicians can be, especially when the politician is the President of the United States. What a bully pulpit the stage can be!

For sure, one more Natalie Maines outburst and Mike Wallace will be forced out of retirement. “I’m old enough to be you great-great-great-great-grandfather, Ms. Maines…” Sixty Minutes? Naw. Maybe Sixty Seconds.

Just before the Iraq War, Natalie told a London audience, “Just so you know, we’re ashamed the President of the United States is from Texas.”

That was stupid. How many of Natalie’s British fans actually know where Texas is…a dozen…a hundred…two hundred tops? Andy Capp does but he’s not a fan. “Texas? ‘At’s a tough one, Gov’ner. I believe h’it’s in Italy. H’it’s where Clint Eastwood mikes those Western movies.”

It’s easy to attack the President of the United States in England. The Royal Family is still in therapy over Yorktown and Prince Chuckles the Clown has surrendered to Islam—he is such a good dhimmi.

The Chicks apologized for the 2003 faux pas but a couple of years have gone by and they are up to their old tricks. “I apologized for disrespecting the office of the President,” Natalie said recently, “But I don’t feel that way anymore. I don’t feel he is owed any respect whatever.”

Another Chick, Martie Maguire, said, “I’d rather have a small following of really cool people who get it, who will grow with us.” (Reba McEntire and Toby Keith groupies are not really cool and don’t get it) “We don’t want those kinds of fans. They limit what you can do.” Yeah, all that flag waving can be distracting—who would notice the Chicks and their’ hot bods?

One Chick asked, “What would Bruce Springsteen do?”

“I’ve lost my optimism and my hope in humanity,” says Natalie. “It wasn’t all gone after what happened to us (the backlash to the London concert) but then after the last election it was gone.”

And the Chicks dissed The View! Imagine! Roy Clark and Buck Owens would never have done that!

Now take Connie Wisniewski—there was a real Chick! In 1945 Connie pitched for the Grand Rapids Chicks. She won 32 games and had an ERA (that’s Earned Run Average not Equal Rights Amendment) of .81. That’s right! A .81 ERA! Connie was one of the great players in the All-American Girls Professional Baseball League (AAGPBL). She retired after the 1952 season and died in 1995. She never said a bad thing about FDR or Harry Truman. She was as tall in the saddle as Natalie Maines is short in patriotic ardor.

The AAGPBL had a victory song. That’s right—an official victory song.

“Batter up! Hear that call
The time has come for one and all

To play ball.

We come from cities near and far
We’ve got Canadians, Irishman and Swedes,
We’re all for one, we’re one for all.
We’re All-Americans.

Each girl stands, her head so proudly high,
Her motto ‘Do or Die.
She’s not one to use or need an alibi.

Our chaperons are not too soft
They’re not too tough,
Our managers are on the ball.
We’ve got a president who really knows his stuff,
We’re all for one, we’re one for all.
We’re All-Americans.”