A Story of two
Chicks - Natalie Maines and Connie Wisniewski
May 30th, 2006
“What do you mean, you never
heard of me?”
Who…the Dixie Chicks? Never heard of them. Singers, you say? Have they
been on the Grand Ole Opry? There have been a lot of Chicks and
most of them weren’t singers. There were the Memphis Chicks, a bunch of
guys who played baseball for Memphis in the Southern League for years
and years and there were the Grand Rapids Chicks, a woman’s professional
baseball team from 1943 to 1954. Oh, how those gals could play
baseball! They were as bodacious and as flirtatious and as athletic as
Ellie Mae Clampett dating Rock Ripdash or getting a headlock on Cousin
Jethro. And they wore miniskirts! That’s right—miniskirts. To see them
run the bases was a joy in itself. How about men’s baseball…Peewee Reese
and Phil Rizzuto? Bah! A disgrace! The pantaloons they wore back in
those days were so baggy it was a wonder they didn’t trip and fall flat
on their faces every time they tried to go from first to second.
And there’s the Easter Chicks—everybody loves Easter Chicks; and the
Chopper Chicks, a horrendously bad 1989 movie with Billy Bob
Thornton. And who can forget the Amazonian Warrior Chicks, a Nicaraguan
feminist group conjured up by the Woman’s Studies Department at Smith
College. Harvard hasn’t forgotten them and neither has Yale.
But the Dixie
in the Hell are the Dixie Chicks? Tens of millions of Americans had
never heard of them until that one Chick—what was her name; Natalie
Maines—begin impersonating Michael Moore. They ought to stick to singing
and leave low comedy to George Costanza and Cosmo Kramer. George and
Cosmo are a lot better at it, besides being more lovable.
Jethro Bodine had never heard of the Chicks until Ms. Maines attacked
the President; and the group is not listed in the National Rifle
Association’s Who’s Who Guide. Ms. Maines is supposed to be from
Texas, but she sounds more like a socialist from East Leningrad with a
speech impediment. She was a cheerleader in Junior High and attended
Berklee School of Music in Boston. Isn’t that a cute way to spell
Berkeley? Must be some of that famous Boston Brahmin humor. It must
have been the pretend Ivy League education that went to Natalie’s head.
Berklee is a tad overrated. Jethro barely graduated from the 6th
grade at Oxford, yet he has a keener grasp on reality than Ms. Maines.
(In all fairness, it must be admitted that Oxford’s political science
and history departments are vastly superior to Berklee’s) But that
hasn’t kept Natalie from sharing her worldview with her legions of fans.
No, sir! She knows what’s going down and she knows how stupid
politicians can be, especially when the politician is the President of
the United States. What a bully pulpit the stage can be!
For sure, one more
Natalie Maines outburst and Mike Wallace will be forced out of
retirement. “I’m old enough to be you
great-great-great-great-grandfather, Ms. Maines…” Sixty Minutes? Naw.
Maybe Sixty Seconds.
Just before the Iraq War, Natalie told a London audience, “Just so you
know, we’re ashamed the President of the United States is from Texas.”
That was stupid. How many of Natalie’s British fans actually know where
Texas is…a dozen…a hundred…two hundred tops? Andy Capp does but he’s not
a fan. “Texas? ‘At’s a tough one, Gov’ner. I believe h’it’s in Italy.
H’it’s where Clint Eastwood mikes those Western movies.”
It’s easy to attack the President of the United States in England. The
Royal Family is still in therapy over Yorktown and Prince Chuckles the
Clown has surrendered to Islam—he is such a good dhimmi.
The Chicks apologized for the 2003 faux pas but a couple of years have
gone by and they are up to their old tricks. “I apologized for
disrespecting the office of the President,” Natalie said recently, “But
I don’t feel that way anymore. I don’t feel he is owed any respect
Another Chick, Martie Maguire, said, “I’d rather have a small following
of really cool people who get it, who will grow with us.” (Reba McEntire
and Toby Keith groupies are not really cool and don’t get it) “We don’t
want those kinds of fans. They limit what you can do.” Yeah, all that
flag waving can be distracting—who would notice the Chicks and their’
One Chick asked,
“What would Bruce Springsteen do?”
“I’ve lost my optimism and my hope in humanity,” says Natalie. “It
wasn’t all gone after what happened to us (the backlash to the London
concert) but then after the last election it was gone.”
And the Chicks dissed The View! Imagine! Roy Clark and Buck Owens
would never have done that!
Now take Connie Wisniewski—there was a real Chick! In 1945 Connie
pitched for the Grand Rapids Chicks. She won 32 games and had an ERA
(that’s Earned Run Average not Equal Rights Amendment) of .81. That’s
right! A .81 ERA! Connie was one of the great players in the
All-American Girls Professional Baseball League (AAGPBL). She retired
after the 1952 season and died in 1995. She never said a bad thing about
FDR or Harry Truman. She was as tall in the saddle as Natalie Maines is
short in patriotic ardor.
The AAGPBL had a victory song. That’s right—an official victory song.
“Batter up! Hear that
time has come for one and all
To play ball.
We come from cities near and far
We’ve got Canadians, Irishman and Swedes,
We’re all for one, we’re one for all.
Each girl stands, her head so proudly high,
Her motto ‘Do or Die.
She’s not one to use or need an alibi.
Our chaperons are not too soft
They’re not too tough,
Our managers are on the ball.
We’ve got a president who really knows his stuff,
We’re all for one, we’re one for all.
Gosh! They don’t
make Chicks like that anymore.
Keywords and misspellings: politics poletics
democrat demoncrat republican repub comentary commentary