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Give the Gitmo Rat-Bags a Military Funeral – Bury them in Hog Renderings and be done with it

June 26th, 2006

Give the Gitmo Rat-Bags a Military Funeral – Bury them in Hog Renderings and be done with it

Gitmo Jail Cell

Robert Stroud, the famed Bird Man of Alcatraz, spent 54 years in durance vile, much of it on the Rock, and, apparently, never contemplated suicide. Mani bin Shaman bin Turki al Habradi and Yasser Talal Abdullah Yahya al Zahrani of Saudi Barbaria and Ali Abdullah Ahmed of Yemen spent less than a tenth of that time at Gitmo, and, apparently, unable to stand the strain, sought solace in the long sleep. Obviously, the Bird Man’s fine-feathered friends had something to do with his amazing longevity. Who in their right mind wouldn’t prefer chickadees and wrens and sparrows and an occasional buzzard to the al-Qaeda scorpions, Talibanese polecats and Hezbollah Neanderthals Mani, Yasser and Ali had to put up with.


Al Capone, Creepy Karpis, Machine Gun Kelly and Doc Barker shared the Rock with the Bird Man. They were not a religious group; there wasn’t a prayer rug among them and it’s doubtful if any of them could have spelled catechism. Yet if Privates Bailey and Pyle had been faced with the choice of sitting down for burgers and fries with Capone and Karpis or with Mani and Yasser there is no doubt what choice they would have made. Capone had a terrible temper; he could be mean and nasty but he never flung food or body wastes at his guards—Al had class. And Creepy Karpis wasn’t creepy—he looked like a wealthy young man about town except for the machine gun. If one wants creepy there’s Mani and Yasser and their friend from Yemen, Ali.

The question is: Did the three rat-bags commit suicide or were there extenuating circumstances. It’s been a long time since anyone died of pure meanness so that can be ruled out. Maybe four years of peace and toleration were too much for their fragile psyches and they cracked under the strain—and they were found hanging by the neck. But there are some doubters out there who think the three rat-bags were murdered—yes, murdered!

Lulua al Dakheel, whose son has been a resident at Gitmo since 2002, insists Mani and his pals were the victims of foul play. Muslims don’t take their own lives. “They were killed,” she wailed. “They were murdered. This was no suicide. There are no guarantees that my son won’t be next. These people (US authorities) can’t be trusted. They treat their dogs better than they treat our sons.”


Well, yeah—dogs are better behaved. They are more reliable; they are friendlier; they don’t hate Christians and Jews and if one leaves a newspaper on the floor by the door they are cleaner than the average Gitmo resident.  Anyway, who is Lulua to talk? She’s from Saudi Barbaria where they are still chopping hands off thieves and where a woman can get ten days in the slammer for inadvertently exposing an ankle. It’s a land of perpetual darkness, ignorance and hatred. If Darth Vader had been born on the Planet Earth, it would have been in Saudi Barbaria.

“There are no independent monitors at the detention camp,” complained Mufleh al-Qahtani, deputy director of Saudi Barbaria’s state-sponsored Human Rights Group. “So it is easy to pin the crime on the prisoners.”

That was all Saleh al-Khathlan, one of Saudi Barbaria’s independent monitors, needed. ”Even if the suicide story is true,” he said, “I have no doubts that they were pushed to it by torture and the lack of attention paid to the health of the detainees.”


Where did he get that? Did he get it from Poe? Did he get it from Kafka? Or was it Swift? Was he quoting from A Hunger Artist? Or did he take it from A Modest Proposal? Who says the Saudis aren’t familiar with Western Lit? They’ve been practicing real live Kafka for 1,400 years.

Look, you morons, the rat-bags hung themselves! It was self-asphyxiation! One would like to think that at least one of them had had enough human decency to feel some remorse for the horrible crimes he had participated in and could no longer stand to look at his reflection in the mirror and had taken the honorable way out. But to give up those 72 virgins—that would have been hard. No, they killed themselves to make America look bad. It was an act of war, like a suicide bomber getting on an Israeli bus or a kamikaze bomber honing in on an American aircraft carrier—a recruiting poster for Islam’s brain-dead.

Give the rat-bags a military funeral, bury them in hog renderings, and be done with it. That’s more than they deserve.

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Denis Schulz

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