Note to the fashion industry:The
verdict is in--all women have belly buttons. The nation owes you a debt of
gratitude for helping us in this discovery. Now can you please design
garments that restore some mystery to that which we already know is there.
Please don’t consider my request to be motivated by
prudishness or moral indignation. In fact you are to be credited for
helping enhance my male instinct to defend the honor of my teenage
daughter. After all, I have been well aware of my daughter’s naval from
the time of her birth--which I witnessed--and I expect any call for
affirmation of her possession of a belly button to be satisfied by my
testimony.
You have also stretched my intellectual and rhetorical
skills as well. I have accepted the challenge of explaining to my daughter
why I prefer that she dress in a fashion that attract men of character,
not appeal to their hormonal instincts in the fashion of tramps or, worse,
Britney Spears. Sharing these thoughts have helped us gain a certain
respect for each other’s perspectives and a greater appreciation for
principles that build stable reliable relationships between the sexes. She
even well tolerates, even though I tire of, my continual admonition, "Pull
your pants up and your shirt down." Whereupon she continually replies to
my tolerance, "My pants are as high as they will go and my shirt is
already two sizes too large so it can cover my belt."
Since the issue of Britney, the Princess of Pop, has
been breached, I offer you a challenge to enhance the quality of pop
culture significantly. Consider what could result if the images of all pop
princesses were not so dependent on looking artificially alluring in your
current productions. They might actually have time to work on important
skills like vocal talent, musical style, and thoughtful lyrics.
Consequently they could feel comfortable at the weight
for which their bodies are designed. That alone would allow their voices
to mature and blossom so their recordings would no longer sound like an
electronically enhanced version of the Bride of Gollum (This is an
endorsement of the Lord of the Rings movies. See them and read the
book!). This change in priority would provide benefits not only for the
musical arts, but save us the embarrassing task of explaining to our
posterity how we became so mindlessly devoted to cultural banality.
Now is a suitable point at which your attention needs to
focus upon a sensitive subject. Please realize that, although the svelte
models and celebrities with whom you in the fashion industry associate
earn their keep by maintaining a physical condition that appears appealing
in your designs, real world women generally do not have that luxury. Often
times throughout the day modern fashions brings me to reflect upon a
shocking and disgusting passage of Gulliver’s Travels in which
Gulliver details the exaggerated features of the giant wet nurse of
Brobdingdag. I guess with this observation you are also to be
indirectly credited for restoring my interest in classic literature if not
a more personal understanding of urban blight.
Your styles expose the obviously poor physical condition
of many women besides their possession of belly buttons, and proves that
there are some clothes that some people should not wear. One would like to
think that these women know who they are, but unfortunately they tend to
be the most flamboyant modelers of your productions. They are walking
evidence of the dangers that come with confusing self delusions with
self-esteem.
I know that your efforts have been in an honest pursuit
of a quick buck while helping certain members of our society disguise
certain shortcomings in character, talent, modesty and self awareness. The
thrill of your masquerade has long passed, though, and mine is a simple
appeal to reexamine that which you’ve been covering and cover up that
which you have exposed to our examination..
Besides, the notion of dignity in fashion can be very
attractive. Just look at what it did for Audrey Hepburn throughout her
film career, but especially in My Fair Lady. Maybe if you helped
women raise their aspirations in dress to that level men would aspire to
the qualities of Rex Harrison. Now wouldn’t that prove to be something
worth exposing.
