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Where is Brazil?
 William K Wolfrum
March 8th 2005
BRAZIL -- My world was rocked today at the
discovery of the existence of
South America.
“I’m actually in Brazil,” I said in a telephone interview. “There are
people walking around, bumping into each other, you know, existing.”
The malady I suffer from appears to be quite prominent in Americans in the
21st century -- a world perspective that begins and ends with the United
States.
“I had always been told there was a South America, but people tell me
Europe exists,” I said. “I’m an American! What purpose would there be in
having actual countries, let alone continents existing? We have everything
here.”
I later admitted I believed Brazil was supposedly in Europe “if there
were such a place.”
Scientists have long embraced the existence of six non-North American
continents such as Europe, pointing to Europeans as a key factor.
“Take a guy like Sean Connery,” Chairman of Minimal Scientific Research
Chairperson Dr. Susan Jimenez-White said. “He’s very very famous, and I’m
certain he’s European. This proves the hypothesis that Europe does, in
fact, exist.”
Many in the world of sociology have begun to term lack of world
perspective “F.U.” which stands for “Forever American.”
The American Medical Association, which is rumored to be completely sick
of what they call “idiot sociologists,” prefer to call the malady
“B.U.S.H”, which stands for nothing, but people seem to dig on how it
looks while standing there.
Recently, the AMA released a press release, outlining some of the main
symptoms of B.U.S.H. They included: A belief that everyone everywhere is American. Massive headaches from attempting to understand the difference between New
England and England, New Mexico and Mexico, etc.· A penchant for wearing American flag garb, like vests or pants.
A deeply held belief that any deaths outside of the continental United
States are a result of God personally protecting Americans with his “Holy
Smackdown of Death (Though rare, the AMA added that they are seeing a lot
more of this belief following the November elections.)
While the AMA has begun work on a complicated cure involving mind-alterinsubstances and kicks to the forehead, many in the private sector have shown
disgust at B.U.S.H.
“People are people everywhere, we need to see different cultures to find
that we’re all family,” Los Angeles-based travel agent Monica Biden said.
“Doesn’t anyone have a passport anymore?”
Unfortunately, it appears even first-hand knowledge is not enough in some
cases.
“I’m still not buying that this is Brazil,” I said from a payphone in Sao
Paulo. “I really think this is Los Angeles. But, OK, say it is Brazil,
there’s nothing you could do to show me that there’s a France.”
William K. Wolfrum is a freelance writer in Minas
Gerais, Brazil.
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